Post by Gav on Aug 31, 2011 18:41:26 GMT -5
It's been a long time since the last one. Since a certain Mr Joshua thinks his Eye Of The Storm makes him the best host around here (he is the best interviewer, I'll give him that) I'm making sure GWN stays the #1 rated entertainment and factual show in the world. It's broadcast in 162 countries (we just signed Zimbabwe up last week) and gains an online audience of 18 billion people every show.
Rock You Like A Hurricane
We begin this September edition with perhaps the biggest story on everyone's lips. And by everyone I mean the people of America. Compared to what the Japanese suffered, this hurricane is like running through a garden sprinkler. Yes, Hurricane Irene skimmed past the Eastern coast of the US and we at GWN have a world exclusive look behind what it actually was, and what caused it to go away.
It seems this hurricane was no naturally occurring phenomenon. In our photo above you can quite clearly see that it was our own Joshua Hurricane who created it. We have witnessed before that he has the power to control the weather. It was in fact him who caused the flooding in Australia earlier in the year. When asked why he threw this hurricane at the US he replied "Facking Alberto Del Rio as champion? What the flaming hell are those gallahs playing at? CM Punk should still be champ. That's not a good call by the dabya dabya E, mate!"
So who is the mystery man standing on the shore? Why, none other than KoK himself. He is the reason the hurricane ran away. He stood firm on that beach and challenged Irene (or Joshua as we now know) to a ninja fight-off. Not wanting to accept this deadly challenge, Joshua finished off his can of Fosters and retreated to Australia. KoK was thereafter named the King of America for saving it.
Tough Love Doesn't Pay The Bills
Our second item tonight focuses on our traditional SPZ story. He's always a good source of shenanigans and it is no different this time. GWN failed to report a while ago that SPZ and his girlfriend Michelle had reunited and began seeing each other again. When asked why this story had not been reported we simply stated "Couldn't give a shit about it. That's why." But new developments (and potential embarrassment to SPZ) meant we just had to share this piece with you. It turns out that Michelle was only with SPZ for his money. They arranged a quick marriage but it only lasted 2 months. Michelle filed for a divorce and got all of his assets in the split. Our exclusive photo above shows Michelle leaving SPZ with her lesbian girlfriend and a cool new car which she won in the divorce. What did SPZ win? Her old dresses. That is all.
In Soviet Russia, Machinehead Kills You
You haven't seen a lot of JX around here this year. There was the horseradish sauce incident which was detailed by GWN in the Pumpkinhead micro thread (well worth a read) but he also got up to some other stuff. JX dreamed of becoming a robot one day, citing Robocop as his personal hero. So when the Russian police needed a man to help them clean the streets of hookers and drunks, JX stepped up. He was kitted out in the latest armoured suit and literally became Machinehead. In just 6 months JX successfully reduced crime in Moscow by 89% and has become a national hero over there. For his efforts, JX was allowed to keep some of the hookers.
Lost And Found Corner
I WANT IT BACK YOU BASTARDS!!!!
This has been a Gav World News presentation and until next time, go fuck yourself San Diego.